1. Pure Obsession (Finn) – Chapter Four


    Date: 3/2/2017, Categories: Reluctance, Author: SITTING, Rating: 21, Source: LushStories

    looked blurry through the water, and the shadowy pavements shone with reflections. It should have been dark and yet the lights from the cars and lamps lit everything up. There were no words to describe how I felt at that moment. I had this sick, nagging voice in my head telling me that there was no point, that everything was over. I’d given up an entire life and for what? If I’d never seen her I wouldn’t be walking to a leaky, damp flat at this hour of the night. I wouldn’t have cared. I shouldn’t have cared. What was she? Why did she have to mean anything to me? I was an idiot. Maybe I should have just stuck to the parties and clubs, the showcasing of glamour and wealth. It had been fun, some of the time. Why had I believed that I could just become another person? I couldn’t. I was rotten from the inside and no change in appearance or lifestyle could ever alter that. Maybe this was my destiny. To be alone, forever. The last couple of months now felt like a foolhardy, delusional dream. How goddamn arrogant had I been to believe I could make myself a part of someone else’s life? No research could have told me how she felt inside. She probably pitied me. The thought made me sick. The blare of a horn echoed in my ears as I crossed a road without looking. I didn’t even know where I was going. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to go somewhere else. Maybe to my old apartment. At least it would be warm. But there was probably someone else living there now, someone who could ...
    actually afford it. I felt like I should cry. But over what? I hadn’t cried since I was a child and I saw no reason to start. What had upset me? Alessandra? Or my own stupid fantasies? The answer was obvious. The rain felt purgative. The air was fresh and cold and the sky a beautiful, inky black. The moon shone hazily from behind the clouds and I tilted my face upwards, feeling the raindrops seep into me. I felt a moment of ease in the storm. Why did anything have to matter? Why couldn’t I be fulfilled and alone? I didn’t need anyone. People were meant to share secrets, open up their souls to one another and I never wanted to do that. I shouldn’t have ever tried to be the kind of man who could make someone else happy. I tried to think of what day I had reached in my plan but I couldn’t remember. Nothing was going the way it was meant to. It was time to give up, time to move on. But move on to what? What kind of future could I have? Or maybe the only choice was to move backwards. Back to my old life? I knew my mother would welcome me with open arms but I didn’t want her. I didn’t want anything. I just wanted to feel good about myself. I wanted to do something beneficial. I found myself walking along the same street I had the morning after Alessandra and I had sex for the first time. The empty shop was still there, the advertisement in the window. It looked forlorn, unloved, uncared for. Nobody would care. Maybe it’d get turned into some cheap hairdresser’s salon or a greasy fast food ...
«1234...1011»